Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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