it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
40s are totally the cure
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
