It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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