My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
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