All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
