I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
