it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
