nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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