I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I had to cum in my sink.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
