you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
