That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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