why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize