It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
you win again, gameday.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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