Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
