I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
