my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize