Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
