Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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