i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
