Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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