Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
