Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Naked. naked and bneed help.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
