mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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