She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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