Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
