The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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