I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
