omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
