Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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