I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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