to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
