Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
And then my night got REAL pukey
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
