I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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