There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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