Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
