So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
