Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
