Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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