They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
