Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
