Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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