I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
