So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Randomize
