There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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