More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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