Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
