Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I'm at about main and main street
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
