Betty ford says i'm here all night
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
