i permit you to call me
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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