Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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