There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Can't talk, ducks in the car
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize