Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
