life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
accomplished twins. life is a go
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
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