her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
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