Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
