I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
