Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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