Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize