I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
