Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
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